Twenty minutes later.
The cannon fire is subsiding, and LENA is no longer in his arms. SHE is
sitting on the bed, a look of absolute boredom upon her face.
his list through the blackout)
Michael Jackson and Mahalia
Jackson and Donald Trump and Donald Duck and Stone Cold Steve Austin and
Bernie Evers and Warren Buffet and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Anna Nicole
So, you see, itís not the
end of the world, Lena. Thereís so much more in the future.
Yeah. Well, you certainly
donít make it sound very appetizing.
(INEZ dashes in from
stage right. She is bursting with excitement.)
Tovarich! Tovarich Koshkarian!
shrugs to Lena, hastens through the bathroom door a moment before INEZ
does. LENA moves to the closet and slips on a marabou dressing gown over
I am not Tovarich anything!
Anyone named Koshkarian has
to be a Tovarich. Iíve seen the wars! The Change! The Victory! The Fall
of the False! The Rise of the True!
(hurrying to the
window and peering out)
Yes, heís beneath the pool
A century has passed within
half an hour! If you could have---
(LENA has moved through
the bathroom doors and into his room. INEZ regards her with a look of disgust.)
When the catís away, the
mice will play.
Yeah. He shoulda only given
you what heís given me for the last twenty minutes.
He has, my dear, he has.
Thatís what you think.
Only it didnít take us twenty
Would you believe two and
We revolutionaries are more
expert than stable groomsí daughters.
You should be. Youíre used
to doing it holding a hammer and sickle in your right hand.
Cut it out! Now what happened
and why did the cannons go off?
Iím surprised youíre really
(SHE snaps to attention.)
It was the most thrilling
single event of my life! St. Clair met us at the top of the Casa Imperioso
staircase. He gave us the usual bull about Huomo being occupied---the bull
theyíve been shoveling for years. But Les said, "This is important!" And
St. Clair said, "Take it up with me. I handle all of Mr. Huomoís business
affairs." And Les said, "This is something we canít take up with anyone
but Mr. Huomo!" and St. Clair said to come back tomorrow. And Les said,
"It must be now!" And he made a lunge for the door, and St. Clair clapped
his hands and all at once there were two hulking henchmen secretaries
trying to push Les down the stairs. Then everyone got suspicious. While
Adele was screaming at them, Les disappeared and came back a moment later
with a pistol. The henchmen went for him, but Les---! God, I didnít know
he had it in him! If I only had, I never would have rejected his advances
all these years.
For Godís sake, get on with
Be masterful, I love it!
The two henchmen secretaries are seriously wounded. And St. Clair took
out a vial from his jacket pocket, swallowed it and dropped dead.
Mr. St. Clair!!
We got into the room. Adele
was screaming and Millie was weeping and Archie fainted. But we got in.
And Mr. Huomo?
He wasnít there! The room
was empty. Every book was in place, every article on his desk, every photograph,
but there wasnít any C. J. Huomo. St. Clair---before he drank the poison---begged
Les to listen to him, that Huomo was out of town, in Europe, putting a
Bible in every bistro in Paris, but Les wasnít buying any of that. If Huomo
was in Europe, why did everyone keep saying he was up in the tower? That
is, they kept saying it until someone actually tried to see him.
Mr. Huomo often goes abroad
to put Bibles in bistros, pubs and taverns.
Then Les, wild with anger,
kept yelling, "Mr. Huomo! Mr. Huomo!" He tore open every door---the one
to the closet, the one to the bathroom and then the other one, the last
The one to the chapel?
The one to the chapel! Thatís
when the cannons started to roar.
You mean the chapel mentioned
in The Huomo Myth---where the old man silently took his daily prayers?
The one with the altar which
contains the little ancient silver filigree box in which Mr. Huomo keeps
his locket with a portrait of his mother on one side and Wilma Rutkin on
But it wasnít there!
Oh, it was there. Everything
was in place---just as we had read and heard all these years.
If you looked closely, very,
very closely, in the inside of the box along the upper edge you could see
a faint outline of an inscription. We would have missed it had it not been
What did it say?
It was written in Spanish---archaic
Spanish---we had to revive Archie to read it.
This is the translation he
To joy an end, an
end to grief,
Relieve the nose of
Of course, Archieís a lousy
purist, and he had to make it rhyme, although I suspect in the original
language itís a bit of a different kettle of doggerel.
Relieve the nose of the
God, for a revolutionary,
you can be really dense! The bas-relief in the bottom of the pool! One
of the panels---the one on the nose---is removable.
But which nose? Maude Huomoís
or the Little Baby Cyrusí?
What difference does it make?
There are only two noses---you were expecting maybe four?---and one of
them comes off. Thatís why Les dived into the pool.
What could be underneath?
Thatís what weíre waiting
(LES, ARCHIE, ADELE,
MILLIE and HOUSEBOY enter left in a funereal line. Les is sopping wet Archie
and Adele are completely dazed. Millie is weeping. All of them have suddenly
aged, lines in the face, graying hair, as if forty years had been compressed
within a few minutes. Behind them, HOUSEBOY, who has not aged, carries
a medium-sized scroll. THEY move somberly toward Kevinís door.)
There canít be anything underneath.
Why do you say that?
Because if there were, it
would have been in The Huomo Myth.
(LES, ARCHIE, ADELE
and MILLIE enter the room now. KEVIN, INEZ and LENA face them, startled
by the sudden aging.)
(HE holds his hand
up to his face. LENA scurries to the mirror to check her own face. She
is relieved by what she sees. LES summons Houseboy, points to Kevin. HOUSEBOY
goes to him, bows, presents scroll.)
A present for you, Koshkarian.
(KEVIN knits his
brow, unfurls the scroll.)
Thatís what was beneath the
(LES nods weakly.)
What does it say?
I donít know---itís all in
But it isnít so! It canít
Archie. What does it say?
I wonít believe it!
It tells of---Panahara---
Panahara, found somewhere
in the jagged Andes, an Inca baby, heir to the Inca throne---but discovered
by a lowborn couple after a decimating conquistador attack. It tells of
how Panahara grew to manhood---strong, brave, honest, heroic---how he would
walk to the Great Capitol to learn and study---how he could never tell
an untruth. It tells how he fell in love with the beautiful Inca princess,
Quadilana---but how, since Panahara was not of royal blood---or so he thought---the
marriage could never be. Therefore Quadilana took her own life rather than
wed another. It tells of the conquistador wars and how Panahara distinguished
himself in combat. And of course it tells of the Great Inca Wrestling Match.
It tells of after the wars, how truth and honesty paid off for Panahara
when he saved the life of the Great Inca Prime Minister, Frangipironala,
traveling in disguise. It tells of---but why go on?
Of course! Thatís where the
Huomo propaganda machine got the story!
Who knows if there ever was
a Mr. Huomo.
He may have been someone---insignificant,
just a name---he may have been a combination of people, he may not have
been at all.
Thatís absurd! You have the
book---The Huomo Myth.
Thatís as much a myth as
Not in my time! We have photographs,
We had photographs and documents,
But we have scholars and
methods unknown to you---erudite men who have spent their lives in research,
who can recreate an era and be able to substantiate each detail.
Whatever your world is, it
is as much a myth as ours. Only ours is a myth of heroism and hope, and
yours is a myth of outhouses.
Thatís nonsense! Donít tell
me Huomo never existed. Of course people kidded about it---Iíve even kidded
about it. But he existed---he was real---he was a real rotten sonuvabitch---but
he still was. How else did all this come about? How was this monstrosity
Me know nothing.
Me know only because me distant---because
whole race distant---us no think of Mr. Huomo---other documents say Huomo
he created over many years---
Build little here---little
This is all bull, I tell
you! Why, if that were true---
(pointing to the
(then around the
And this--- And all of you,
too. If this were true and such a revelation did occur, then it would all
be in that wet paperback. And if they---those who created Huomo---were
so damned clever, why did they leave the box with the inscription so that
somebody could come along and find it. Why did they plant this scroll beneath
We, too, tried to live by
What kind of an answer is
What kind of an answer is
any of it?
I donít know about you, but
the one thing I can tell you---the one thing Iíve learned is---you canít
argue with facts.
(pointing to the
And those are the facts!
Think what you will and know
what you wish to know. We donít care really. The scroll is yours. And so
(HE hands him back
the soggy book. The QUARTET turns to go.)
Where are you going? Adele?
Who knows and who cares?
But what difference does
it make whether Huomo lived or didnít live?
If you donít know that, Inez,
then I feel very sorry for you.
(LES, ARCHIE, MILLIE
and ADELE exit. INEZ shouts after them.)
You feel sorry for me?! Thatís
a laugh! Let me tell you, Adele Allen---let me tell all of you---thereís
not one goddamned thing to feel sorry about! Not one goddamned thing!
(SHE returns to the
Were they trying to say Mr.
Huomo---there isnít any Mr. Huomo?
It takes her a little while
to catch on.
But thatís the silliest thing
I ever heard! Mr. Huomo isnít---! I seen Mr. Huomo! I seen Mr. Huomo so
many times I canít even count them! And they say---
(SHE almost falls
to the floor laughing.)
Lena, Iím on your side.
Youíve got work to do!
Those capitalistic imbeciles
are leaving San Basilica---St. Clair killed himself and those two henchmen
are seriously wounded---
So what about San Basilica?
It goes to the state.
The state? You know what
the stateíll do with it. Theyíll charge admissions which will be pocketed
by crooked bureaucrats.
Look here. Whatever you think
has happened hasnít happened. San Basilica remains in Huomoís hands until
his death in 1951, then itís taken over by---
(whirling on Houseboy
who has been crouching in the corner)
Hifu likea me
Like I likea you...
Hifu. San Basilica is yours!
her in stunned amazement as SHE picks up the telephone.)
Corinne? Get Hifuís family
over here right away. Theyíre in the woodshed down by the foot of the hill.
Also get the cook, the gardener, the steward, the scullion, the stable
(glancing at Lena)
Forget the last, but get
the others---and their families.
(ringing off and
Hifu---you inherit all this.
Me no want it.
I donít care if you want
it or not---itís yours.
Youíll know how to use it
and use it properly. Too long have you been kept the slaves of this corrupt
Me want little house with
Youíre getting this house
with this garden and shut up about it!
Youíre giving away San Basilica?
You betcha sweet life.
Even if Mr. Huomo died, who
says you can give away San Basilica?
Because Iím doing it in the
name of the people!
In the name of which people?
In the name of good people,
simple people, downtrodden people.
Even if Mr. Huomo was dead
and even if you could give San Basilica away, Oshie doesnít even want it.
Hifu doesnít want it now.
But heíll get used to it. And soon heíll thank me for giving it to him.
Ya wanna bet?
Yeah, I wanna--- Why am I
discussing profound political theory with a philistine with a bleached
Howíd you like a paste in
Hey, you two! This is all
absurd, I tell you. Mr. Huomo doesnít die until 1951.
(From stage right
come HOUSEBOYís WIFE, GARDENER, GARDENERíS WIFE, GARDENERíS MOTHER-IN-LAW
and STEWARD. THEY go obediently to Kevinís room.)
Aw, shaddup with that future
malarkey, will ya!
Letís both paste her in the
Ah! Dear workers!
up on the table)
I have wonderful news for
all of you. By a magnificent triumphal series of predestined events, San
Basilica is yours!
(SERVANTS stare at
each other in disbelief.)
Hifu will be your leader.
Thatís your husband.
My husband, he Ohu.
Ohu beautiful doll,
You great big beautiful
Well, heís Hifu now. I shall
stay here and guide Hifu and see that each of you gets a fair share of
But no want place.
I told you to shut up!
Me want little house with
You can build a little house
with a little garden anywhere you like on any of these 500 acres.
Me no afford to build.
You will once we turn this
bastard cathedral into a working commune.
Me go back to Philippines.
You no afford go back to
He no want place. I want
Now thereís a man!
We take place.
Go screw. We take place.
Mr. Huomoís gonna have them
all thrown in the jug!
Come down from there and
stop making a spectacle of yourself.
(INEZ makes a move
to kick him in the face. HE grabs her ankle and drags her off the table.
SERVANTS move back in fear.)
(kicking and striking
out at him)
You call yourself a Communist!
Iím not a Communist!
I donít know anyone who is a Communist! It didnít work.
What didnít work?
Communism. It didnít even
last till the end of the century.
(slapping him across
(slapping Inez across
Get your fat ugly little
hands offa him!
(to the servants)
Arrest them both!
Who are you to arrest anybody?
Arrest them, I say! ARREST
(SERVANTS look from
one to the other, GARDENERíS MOTHER-IN-LAW nudges him. GARDENER grabs STEWARD
and drags him forward. Together THEY descend on Kevin and Lena.)
(OTHER SERVANTS move
in, pinning Kevinís and Lenaís arms behind them. Only HOUSEBOY does not
Hey, what the hell do you
think youíre doing?
Fumiko, itís me---Lena! Lena
Luzanski! The stable groomís daughter.
Donít try to pull rank, you
brainless blonde fascist!
But, Fumiko, remember the
(pointing to Lenaís
In there with them!
(SERVANTS drag them
through the bathroom and into Lenaís room.)
---the day in the greenhouse
behind the Cyprepedium orchids?
Did you have everyone?
Look whoís talking!
(SERVANTS shove them
down on chairs. LENA frees herself and runs to the window and calls out.)
Help! Someone help! Weíre
being held prisoner by servants!
(GARDENER grabs her
and drags her back.)
Tie them up!
(SERVANTS bind both
You canít do this to me!
Now lock the doors!
(SERVANTS and INEZ
exit, locking both bathroom and hallway doors.)
Onto the main house!
(Trumpets blare as
INEZ leads them off stage left,)
(in tears, shouting
Mr. Huomo! Mr. Huomo!
(also looking upward)
Dr. Bellagio, never in all
those sessions did we ever consider the possibilities of anything like