Scene Two
Twenty minutes later.
The cannon fire is subsiding, and LENA is no longer in his arms. SHE is
sitting on the bed, a look of absolute boredom upon her face.
KEVIN
(having continued
his list through the blackout)
Michael Jackson and Mahalia
Jackson and Donald Trump and Donald Duck and Stone Cold Steve Austin and
Bernie Evers and Warren Buffet and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Anna Nicole
Smith…
LENA
They’ve stopped.
KEVIN
So, you see, it’s not the
end of the world, Lena. There’s so much more in the future.
LENA
Yeah. Well, you certainly
don’t make it sound very appetizing.
(INEZ dashes in from
stage right. She is bursting with excitement.)
INEZ
Tovarich! Tovarich Koshkarian!
(KEVIN flinches,
shrugs to Lena, hastens through the bathroom door a moment before INEZ
does. LENA moves to the closet and slips on a marabou dressing gown over
her undies.)
Tovarich Koshkarian!
KEVIN
I am not Tovarich anything!
INEZ
Anyone named Koshkarian has
to be a Tovarich. I’ve seen the wars! The Change! The Victory! The Fall
of the False! The Rise of the True!
(hurrying to the
window and peering out)
Yes, he’s beneath the pool
now.
KEVIN
Who?
INEZ
A century has passed within
half an hour! If you could have---
(LENA has moved through
the bathroom doors and into his room. INEZ regards her with a look of disgust.)
When the cat’s away, the
mice will play.
LENA
Yeah. He shoulda only given
you what he’s given me for the last twenty minutes.
INEZ
He has, my dear, he has.
LENA
(wearily)
That’s what you think.
INEZ
Only it didn’t take us twenty
minutes---
KEVIN
Would you believe two and
a half?
INEZ
(menacing Lena)
We revolutionaries are more
expert than stable grooms’ daughters.
LENA
You should be. You’re used
to doing it holding a hammer and sickle in your right hand.
KEVIN
Cut it out! Now what happened
and why did the cannons go off?
INEZ
I’m surprised you’re really
interested.
KEVIN
Tovarich Gouterman!
(SHE snaps to attention.)
Speak!
INEZ
It was the most thrilling
single event of my life! St. Clair met us at the top of the Casa Imperioso
staircase. He gave us the usual bull about Huomo being occupied---the bull
they’ve been shoveling for years. But Les said, "This is important!" And
St. Clair said, "Take it up with me. I handle all of Mr. Huomo’s business
affairs." And Les said, "This is something we can’t take up with anyone
but Mr. Huomo!" and St. Clair said to come back tomorrow. And Les said,
"It must be now!" And he made a lunge for the door, and St. Clair clapped
his hands and all at once there were two hulking henchmen secretaries
trying to push Les down the stairs. Then everyone got suspicious. While
Adele was screaming at them, Les disappeared and came back a moment later
with a pistol. The henchmen went for him, but Les---! God, I didn’t know
he had it in him! If I only had, I never would have rejected his advances
all these years.
KEVIN
For God’s sake, get on with
it!
INEZ
Be masterful, I love it!
The two henchmen secretaries are seriously wounded. And St. Clair took
out a vial from his jacket pocket, swallowed it and dropped dead.
LENA
Mr. St. Clair!!
INEZ
We got into the room. Adele
was screaming and Millie was weeping and Archie fainted. But we got in.
KEVIN
And Mr. Huomo?
INEZ
He wasn’t there! The room
was empty. Every book was in place, every article on his desk, every photograph,
but there wasn’t any C. J. Huomo. St. Clair---before he drank the poison---begged
Les to listen to him, that Huomo was out of town, in Europe, putting a
Bible in every bistro in Paris, but Les wasn’t buying any of that. If Huomo
was in Europe, why did everyone keep saying he was up in the tower? That
is, they kept saying it until someone actually tried to see him.
LENA
Mr. Huomo often goes abroad
to put Bibles in bistros, pubs and taverns.
INEZ
Then Les, wild with anger,
kept yelling, "Mr. Huomo! Mr. Huomo!" He tore open every door---the one
to the closet, the one to the bathroom and then the other one, the last
one---
LENA
The one to the chapel?
INEZ
The one to the chapel! That’s
when the cannons started to roar.
KEVIN
You mean the chapel mentioned
in The Huomo Myth---where the old man silently took his daily prayers?
LENA
The one with the altar which
contains the little ancient silver filigree box in which Mr. Huomo keeps
his locket with a portrait of his mother on one side and Wilma Rutkin on
the other.
KEVIN
But it wasn’t there!
INEZ
Oh, it was there. Everything
was in place---just as we had read and heard all these years.
KEVIN
Then what?
INEZ
If you looked closely, very,
very closely, in the inside of the box along the upper edge you could see
a faint outline of an inscription. We would have missed it had it not been
for Millie.
KEVIN
What did it say?
INEZ
It was written in Spanish---archaic
Spanish---we had to revive Archie to read it.
KEVIN
And?
INEZ
This is the translation he
gave:
To joy an end, an
end to grief,
Relieve the nose of
the bas-relief
Of course, Archie’s a lousy
purist, and he had to make it rhyme, although I suspect in the original
language it’s a bit of a different kettle of doggerel.
KEVIN
Relieve the nose of the
bas-relief?
INEZ
God, for a revolutionary,
you can be really dense! The bas-relief in the bottom of the pool! One
of the panels---the one on the nose---is removable.
KEVIN
But which nose? Maude Huomo’s
or the Little Baby Cyrus’?
INEZ
What difference does it make?
There are only two noses---you were expecting maybe four?---and one of
them comes off. That’s why Les dived into the pool.
KEVIN
What could be underneath?
INEZ
That’s what we’re waiting
to see.
(LES, ARCHIE, ADELE,
MILLIE and HOUSEBOY enter left in a funereal line. Les is sopping wet Archie
and Adele are completely dazed. Millie is weeping. All of them have suddenly
aged, lines in the face, graying hair, as if forty years had been compressed
within a few minutes. Behind them, HOUSEBOY, who has not aged, carries
a medium-sized scroll. THEY move somberly toward Kevin’s door.)
KEVIN
There can’t be anything underneath.
INEZ
Why do you say that?
KEVIN
Because if there were, it
would have been in The Huomo Myth.
(LES, ARCHIE, ADELE
and MILLIE enter the room now. KEVIN, INEZ and LENA face them, startled
by the sudden aging.)
KEVIN
But---
(HE holds his hand
up to his face. LENA scurries to the mirror to check her own face. She
is relieved by what she sees. LES summons Houseboy, points to Kevin. HOUSEBOY
goes to him, bows, presents scroll.)
KEVIN
What?
LES
A present for you, Koshkarian.
(KEVIN knits his
brow, unfurls the scroll.)
INEZ
That’s what was beneath the
pool?
(LES nods weakly.)
INEZ
What does it say?
KEVIN
I don’t know---it’s all in
Spanish---
MILLIE
But it isn’t so! It can’t
be!
LES
Archie. What does it say?
MILLIE
I won’t believe it!
ARCHIE
It tells of---Panahara---
KEVIN
Who?
ARCHIE
Panahara, found somewhere
in the jagged Andes, an Inca baby, heir to the Inca throne---but discovered
by a lowborn couple after a decimating conquistador attack. It tells of
how Panahara grew to manhood---strong, brave, honest, heroic---how he would
walk to the Great Capitol to learn and study---how he could never tell
an untruth. It tells how he fell in love with the beautiful Inca princess,
Quadilana---but how, since Panahara was not of royal blood---or so he thought---the
marriage could never be. Therefore Quadilana took her own life rather than
wed another. It tells of the conquistador wars and how Panahara distinguished
himself in combat. And of course it tells of the Great Inca Wrestling Match.
It tells of after the wars, how truth and honesty paid off for Panahara
when he saved the life of the Great Inca Prime Minister, Frangipironala,
traveling in disguise. It tells of---but why go on?
INEZ
Then---?
KEVIN
Of course! That’s where the
Huomo propaganda machine got the story!
ADELE
Who knows if there ever was
a Mr. Huomo.
KEVIN
What?!
ARCHIE
He may have been someone---insignificant,
just a name---he may have been a combination of people, he may not have
been at all.
KEVIN
That’s absurd! You have the
book---The Huomo Myth.
ADELE
That’s as much a myth as
the others.
KEVIN
Not in my time! We have photographs,
documents!
MILLIE
We had photographs and documents,
too.
KEVIN
But we have scholars and
methods unknown to you---erudite men who have spent their lives in research,
who can recreate an era and be able to substantiate each detail.
LES
Whatever your world is, it
is as much a myth as ours. Only ours is a myth of heroism and hope, and
yours is a myth of outhouses.
KEVIN
That’s nonsense! Don’t tell
me Huomo never existed. Of course people kidded about it---I’ve even kidded
about it. But he existed---he was real---he was a real rotten sonuvabitch---but
he still was. How else did all this come about? How was this monstrosity
built?
ADELE
Dasa?
HOUSEBOY
Me know nothing.
ADELE
Tell them!
HOUSEBOY
Me know only because me distant---because
whole race distant---us no think of Mr. Huomo---other documents say Huomo
he created over many years---
KEVIN
Bull!
HOUSEBOY
Build little here---little
there---
KEVIN
This is all bull, I tell
you! Why, if that were true---
(pointing to the
scroll)
And this---
(then around the
room)
And this--- And all of you,
too. If this were true and such a revelation did occur, then it would all
be in that wet paperback. And if they---those who created Huomo---were
so damned clever, why did they leave the box with the inscription so that
somebody could come along and find it. Why did they plant this scroll beneath
the bas-relief?
ARCHIE
We, too, tried to live by
reason.
KEVIN
What kind of an answer is
that?
ADELE
What kind of an answer is
any of it?
KEVIN
I don’t know about you, but
the one thing I can tell you---the one thing I’ve learned is---you can’t
argue with facts.
(pointing to the
book)
And those are the facts!
LES
Think what you will and know
what you wish to know. We don’t care really. The scroll is yours. And so
is this.
(HE hands him back
the soggy book. The QUARTET turns to go.)
INEZ
Where are you going? Adele?
ADELE
Who knows and who cares?
INEZ
But what difference does
it make whether Huomo lived or didn’t live?
ADELE
If you don’t know that, Inez,
then I feel very sorry for you.
(LES, ARCHIE, MILLIE
and ADELE exit. INEZ shouts after them.)
INEZ
You feel sorry for me?! That’s
a laugh! Let me tell you, Adele Allen---let me tell all of you---there’s
not one goddamned thing to feel sorry about! Not one goddamned thing!
(SHE returns to the
room.)
LENA
Were they trying to say Mr.
Huomo---there isn’t any Mr. Huomo?
INEZ
It takes her a little while
to catch on.
LENA
But that’s the silliest thing
I ever heard! Mr. Huomo isn’t---! I seen Mr. Huomo! I seen Mr. Huomo so
many times I can’t even count them! And they say---
(SHE almost falls
to the floor laughing.)
KEVIN
Lena, I’m on your side.
INEZ
(to Kevin)
You’ve got work to do!
KEVIN
Huh?
INEZ
Those capitalistic imbeciles
are leaving San Basilica---St. Clair killed himself and those two henchmen
are seriously wounded---
KEVIN
So?
INEZ
So what about San Basilica?
KEVIN
It goes to the state.
INEZ
The state? You know what
the state’ll do with it. They’ll charge admissions which will be pocketed
by crooked bureaucrats.
KEVIN
Look here. Whatever you think
has happened hasn’t happened. San Basilica remains in Huomo’s hands until
his death in 1951, then it’s taken over by---
INEZ
I know!
(whirling on Houseboy
who has been crouching in the corner)
Hifu!
KEVIN
What?
INEZ
Hifu---
KEVIN
Hifu?
HOUSEBOY
Hifu likea me
Like I likea you...
KEVIN
That’s Dasa.
LENA
Oshie.
INEZ
Hifu. San Basilica is yours!
(HOUSEBOY regards
her in stunned amazement as SHE picks up the telephone.)
Corinne? Get Hifu’s family
over here right away. They’re in the woodshed down by the foot of the hill.
Also get the cook, the gardener, the steward, the scullion, the stable
groom---
(glancing at Lena)
Forget the last, but get
the others---and their families.
(ringing off and
regarding Houseboy)
Hifu---you inherit all this.
HOUSEBOY
Me no want it.
INEZ
I don’t care if you want
it or not---it’s yours.
HOUSEBOY
Too much---
INEZ
You’ll know how to use it
and use it properly. Too long have you been kept the slaves of this corrupt
system.
HOUSEBOY
Me want little house with
little garden.
INEZ
You’re getting this house
with this garden and shut up about it!
LENA
You’re giving away San Basilica?
INEZ
You betcha sweet life.
LENA
Even if Mr. Huomo died, who
says you can give away San Basilica?
INEZ
Because I’m doing it in the
name of the people!
LENA
In the name of which people?
INEZ
In the name of good people,
simple people, downtrodden people.
LENA
Even if Mr. Huomo was dead
and even if you could give San Basilica away, Oshie doesn’t even want it.
INEZ
Hifu doesn’t want it now.
But he’ll get used to it. And soon he’ll thank me for giving it to him.
LENA
Ya wanna bet?
INEZ
Yeah, I wanna--- Why am I
discussing profound political theory with a philistine with a bleached
blonde brain?
LENA
How’d you like a paste in
the mouth?
KEVIN
Hey, you two! This is all
absurd, I tell you. Mr. Huomo doesn’t die until 1951.
(From stage right
come HOUSEBOY’s WIFE, GARDENER, GARDENER’S WIFE, GARDENER’S MOTHER-IN-LAW
and STEWARD. THEY go obediently to Kevin’s room.)
INEZ
Aw, shaddup with that future
malarkey, will ya!
LENA
Let’s both paste her in the
mouth!
INEZ
Ah! Dear workers!
(hoisting herself
up on the table)
I have wonderful news for
all of you. By a magnificent triumphal series of predestined events, San
Basilica is yours!
(SERVANTS stare at
each other in disbelief.)
LENA
She’s nuts!
INEZ
Hifu will be your leader.
HOUSEBOY’S WIFE
Hifu?
INEZ
That’s your husband.
HOUSEBOY’S WIFE
My husband, he Ohu.
INEZ
Ohu?
HOUSEBOY’S WIFE
Ohu beautiful doll,
You great big beautiful
doll!
INEZ
Well, he’s Hifu now. I shall
stay here and guide Hifu and see that each of you gets a fair share of
the wealth.
HOUSEBOY
But no want place.
INEZ
I told you to shut up!
HOUSEBOY
Me want little house with
little garden.
INEZ
You can build a little house
with a little garden anywhere you like on any of these 500 acres.
HOUSEBOY
Me no afford to build.
INEZ
You will once we turn this
bastard cathedral into a working commune.
HOUSEBOY
Me go back to Philippines.
HOUSEBOY’S WIFE
You no afford go back to
Philippines.
GARDENER
(consistently nudged
by MOTHER-IN-LAW)
He no want place. I want
place.
INEZ
Now there’s a man!
GARDENER’S MOTHER-IN-LAW
We take place.
HOUSEBOY’S WIFE
Go screw. We take place.
LENA
Mr. Huomo’s gonna have them
all thrown in the jug!
KEVIN
Come down from there and
stop making a spectacle of yourself.
(INEZ makes a move
to kick him in the face. HE grabs her ankle and drags her off the table.
SERVANTS move back in fear.)
INEZ
(kicking and striking
out at him)
You call yourself a Communist!
KEVIN
I’m not a Communist!
I don’t know anyone who is a Communist! It didn’t work.
INEZ
What didn’t work?
KEVIN
Communism. It didn’t even
last till the end of the century.
INEZ
(slapping him across
the face)
LIAR! BLASPHEMER!
LENA
(slapping Inez across
the face)
Get your fat ugly little
hands offa him!
INEZ
(to the servants)
Arrest them both!
LENA
Who are you to arrest anybody?
INEZ
Arrest them, I say! ARREST
THEM!
(SERVANTS look from
one to the other, GARDENER’S MOTHER-IN-LAW nudges him. GARDENER grabs STEWARD
and drags him forward. Together THEY descend on Kevin and Lena.)
LENA
(to Gardener)
Fumiko!
(OTHER SERVANTS move
in, pinning Kevin’s and Lena’s arms behind them. Only HOUSEBOY does not
participate.)
KEVIN
Hey, what the hell do you
think you’re doing?
LENA
Fumiko, it’s me---Lena! Lena
Luzanski! The stable groom’s daughter.
INEZ
Don’t try to pull rank, you
brainless blonde fascist!
LENA
But, Fumiko, remember the
day---
INEZ
(pointing to Lena’s
room)
In there with them!
(SERVANTS drag them
through the bathroom and into Lena’s room.)
LENA
---the day in the greenhouse
behind the Cyprepedium orchids?
KEVIN
Did you have everyone?
LENA
Look who’s talking!
(SERVANTS shove them
down on chairs. LENA frees herself and runs to the window and calls out.)
LENA
Help! Someone help! We’re
being held prisoner by servants!
(GARDENER grabs her
and drags her back.)
INEZ
Tie them up!
(SERVANTS bind both
to chairs.)
LENA
You can’t do this to me!
INEZ
Now lock the doors!
(SERVANTS and INEZ
exit, locking both bathroom and hallway doors.)
INEZ
Onto the main house!
(Trumpets blare as
INEZ leads them off stage left,)
LENA
(in tears, shouting
after them)
Crummy bastards!
(looking upward,
beseechingly)
Mr. Huomo! Mr. Huomo!
KEVIN
(also looking upward)
Dr. Bellagio, never in all
those sessions did we ever consider the possibilities of anything like
this!
CURTAIN
